The soles which had once supported a pair of soft padded feet, are now all worn out and falling off in places.
The once soft satin ribbons, which had wound themselves round legs, softer than silk, are now all ragged and faded.
The shoes, that had once graced brightly lit halls and glided over waxed wooden floors, are today just an old pair of ballet slippers lying neglected in the darkness of a rough unpainted attic.
The memory of every swish and turn they had taken, the magic with which they had once danced is getting cloudy with time.
The applause, which they had come to take for granted, has been replaced by the silence of a forgotten anonymity.
They have come to the point where they fear they may never dance again, and the very thought of it adds another wrinkle to their shredded satin.
They burn with the desire to climb out of their dusty forgotten grave, to face the archlights once again, to move once more like fluid silk across the shining wooden floor, to swish and turn and to take everyone's breath away..
But even as these thoughts slither down their blue roughened surface, they know, that even if they get a chance, they wouldn't be able to hold up, would stumble and make a fool of themselves for the world to see.
They can almost hear the cold cackle of the spectators, witnessing their fall from glory, can almost see the cruel eyes staring at them as they fumbled..
May be some desires are better left to simmer into nothingness.. some lives are better doomed to a dark existence..
So they continue to lie in their little unnoticed corner, forgotten.. fading some more.. dying some more..
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The green grass is parted in places to reveal the upturned moist brown soil, where it had been pulled out by unseeing hands.
The tree in the corner is swaying to its own rhythm, swinging its arms around, shaking its head from side to side like one of those stoned standing babas of Shantaram's Mumbai.
The isolation of the small triangular area within its cream, cracked, vine-covered walls, mounted with green grills, is almost complete.
The sound of drills and the shouts of workers pierces the wind which carries it, and yet, in its own way, the silence here feels undisturbed. Moments ago it had seemed almost oppressive, but now it has grown to being a silent companion.
The sun is like a big lamp wrapped in white fleece, so that its light is coming out in a warm glow rather than a piercing stare. Its rays feel like a friend wrapping himself around you in a comforting hug, drawing out your heart's sorrow with each passing minute and destroying it with the warmth of the embrace.
The wind is not freezing, in fact it is a little too warm for a cold winter day, playing with hair, twirling a stray black strand around its playful finger, chasing a few more out of the already loose braid.
The bags strewn in little heaps on the ground are an indicator of intruders that have been and soon would be again.
The empty bottle of Pepsi lying like an alien on the grass is a quiet reminder of the game of truth-truth played there a few minutes ago...aaah truth.. a phenomenon often a lot trickier than its infamous counterpart.. a lie.
The bottle was a witness to the games people had played, games far deeper than the apparent children's play they had been making. It had felt the emotions that had been like the acrid smell of burning plastic in the serenity of that park, had tasted the sour taste of concealed hostility and silent attacks.. had smelled the bittersweet stink of politics...
There are voices calling out.. the intruders are back.."bache.. chal uth wahin khate hain paranthe yahan uthake lane padenge"... "kiddo, we'll have the paranthas there itself, else we'll have to carry them to this place"
time to pick the backpack.. say a hasty goodbye to my silent companion, as the sounds from without strangle it again.. put the mask back in place.. flash that false smile.. and loose honesty amidst the everyday pretense of life..
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Today.. i was a big fat red balloon...
there i go rising higher and higher, tugging at my long loose string...
plunging low and then whistling back up with a big whoooshhhhh..
now that was fun!!!
and what was that little tingle in my stomach.. was that just the gas which that little man, with tattered clothes and that big colorful tattered turban, filled me out with or was it that mysterious feeling they call happiness?
hmmm.. i don't know.. whatever it was.. it was making me literally float on the clouds with dreamy eyes and a light head(well i guess that is the usual state of 'head' for a big fat balloon :D but still.. it felt great :) )
I know all it would take is a tiny prick to send me swooshing off to an early death and if i survive that , then the air would just waltz out of me little by little and in a few days all that would be left of me would be a drab, shriveled out, dirty little piece of rubber..
but why spoil my bounce today by worrying about what i might be tomorrow eh?
so off i go again, dancing and dribbling...laughing away to glory as i swing my white string in a tango, with the wind drumming a steady beat.. carefree with my face lifted to the dizzying sun..
today i fly without wings..
PS: hey folks! Sorry for breaking my tradition of a post a day, but my net conn it seems was on a vacation (zonked out!! :( ).. but now i am back(hopefully) with a little parcel of my life and dreams each day.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Hmmm... so what was I today...??
Today, I was a little black and yellow auto-rikshaw going down the bumpy road on my three sturdy wheels..
There i go scaring away all those big fat shiny cars in my way, with my grrrhhh grrrhhhh putt putt grrrrhhh putt grrhhhh...!!!
Did you see them squeal and run right out of the way..??
aaaah.. its some mighty roar i have, you see :D
And how could anyone have missed my royal black wings, as they billowed out on either side of me with each gust of wind, welcoming the icy cold wind inside, like a man invites a new breath into his body, to cleanse out the staleness left by the last
So off i went, roaming from dawn to dusk.. guzzling down the igniting tempting diesel, whenever my spirits were low.. going from one end of the city to the other..
Started off my day with the smelling stinking slums, with their open gutters and bumpy roads, with more potholes than asphalt on them. :sigh: What a pain in the axles they gave me :sigh:
And the kids in these areas... ufff the parents have neither the money to send them to school nor the time to look after them.. and all they do all day, is run from one end of the road to the other..
One of these little things almost came under me today.. thank God!! I had gotten new brakes a couple of days back.. else it would have been one kid less on that street, not that the rest would have remembered him for more than a week. But who is to blame them.. they are taught that life is tough and losses are just too regular a part of it, so they learn to live with them at a very young age..
Well, coming back to my excursions today..
So i somehow managed to get out of the slime of the city, without much slime on my shiny black bumpers, and headed towards the other end.. the road of malls, with its high rise buildings and multi-block malls, with neon displays and bright lights. Some of the buildings, i have heard, have something called flats, where men live. I have seen them sometimes, peeping out of the hanging tongues of their flats. I think i heard someone call these tongues balconies. Anyway, i zipped along, on the road, which was smooth as butter, competing with long sleek cars and fast gleaming bikes.. the best part of this road was, of course, that it had many many red lights which gave me ample rest and a chance to look at the beautiful flats on either side... but somehow these lights always made my customers very grumpy.. i don't understand why they don't appreciate the chance for a breather...
So just like this, i travelled the city, with the wind in my wings and a fire in my engine.. cruising along, taking my passengers a little further in the ride of their lives.
It was fun watching my shadow run behind me to catch up and to watch the road slide right under me, like life slides by never to be lived again it seems, only to be revisited the very next day, with some new passenger in the backseat and a new song playing on the FM...
PS: took this picture myself, of a moving auto from a moving car
Monday, January 21, 2008
I lay today, buried in my quilt with angry tears running down my flushed cheeks... raging like i had countless times before at my non-understanding parents
thinking how they have never understood me
how they have always wanted me to live their life rather my own..
forever saddling me in chains..
taking away my right to a life...
the right to take my own decisions and make my own mistakes..
crying out my frustration hating them for never knowing what i really want and what are the things that are important to me..
and through these tears, rose before my eyes, i don't know from where.. a long forgotten image..
a little white plastic purse.. with a layer of deep blue gelly water swimming from side to side in its outer jacket.. i could have sworn the tiny yellow and red fish bobbing in and out of the stardust tinged waves were as real as you and me.. and seems like a couple of stars had taken a mighty fall and landed in the shimmering mini sea to give the little fish company..
and just like that, i was back in class 1 waiting with bated breath for my first ever school trip.. a one day excursion to a nearby picnic spot "The Bombay Picnic Spot". No no it wasn't anywhere near Mumbai, the city of dreams.. but for a 5 year old, who lived in a small town, which took 15 minutes to go from one end to the other, it was dreamland all right.
I had been going there for years, ever since i was a baby and it undoubtedly was my favourite place in all the world.
But that was not what had kept me awake the whole of the night before.
It was the fact that i was going there on my own without my parents to look after me. of course, the teachers would be there, but still.. How proud i was, just thinking about going up to the ice-cream man, in the bright orange and white uniform, all on my own and getting myself a softy. How many times had i rehearsed it in my head as i lay there in the dark...
watching as the smiling softy wala bhai took an orange cone from the tall cone building by his side.. as he pushed the liver on the big steel machine.. i could feel the vibrations from the giant and watch as the soft snow white cream swirled out of its tiny mouth in that single fluid motion and settled into the cone, forming a perfect inverted spiral...
aaaah and yes, for the first time, i would be handling my own money, a full 100 rupees.. at that time it had seemed like a king's ransom.
I had been rehearsing my favourite songs for a week now 'coz ma'am said there would be singing in the bus.. aah i couldn't wait to get on that wondrous white bus
but what was that? that feeling in the pit of the stomach?
was it fear?
what if i made a fool of myself in front of the whole class?
oh! i could almost hear them all laughing at me now.. could see the look of disappointment on Seema ma'am's face.
how would i ever go back to school with that?
i was petrified.
i didn't want to go on that stupid trip
the next morning brought fresh terrors
what should i say to mummy so she won't make me go?
mummy... she had been bustling up and down since early morning, as excited as i had been.. packing my bag.. making sure i had everything.. dividing my money into small parts and putting them all in different places.. telling me what to do and what not
but i wasn't really listening.. i was imagining the disaster that lay before me.
she suddenly stopped talking.. had i said something aloud?
no i was sure i hadn't..
but she just stood there looking at me, and then took me silently in her arms and told me not to worry, that everything would be fine that no one would laugh at me and it would be the best trip i had ever had.. that no matter what she loved me and would always do
and standing there in her arms then, silently feeling the safety pin poking into my chest as the hanky it held in place was crushed between us, i knew it would be just be like that..
and it was..
the bus ride was great.. everyone loved my songs...
The softy had never tasted this good when my dad had gotten it for me.. the rides had never been this thrilling on the countless times i had ridden them alone...
I saw it while going towards the popcorn stand to get those sweet honey flavoured popcorn i had loved..
It lay among all the rest of the toys.. yet, there was something that separated it from all the rest of them..
Its milky whiteness and that deepest of blues attracted me, making me forget my special popcorn..
I picked it up and tilted it this way and that.. and there in my hands, the sea was alive.. the waves formed and broke in their little closed up world.. the fish swam forward and then disappeared again into the blue depths.. as if shy of the hand rocking their world.. and the stars.. aah the stars twinkled and shone like diamonds on a liquid piece of velvet..
It was undoubtedly the most beautiful thing i had ever seen and i knew i had to have it.
"Uncle iska kitna hoga?" I asked the gray haired attendant for the price of my jewel.. "tees rupaiya..30 rupee" he replied.. that's all i had left, which meant the pop corn would have to go and so would the candy floss.. but i didn't care as my tiny hands fished in the little pink purse for the 3 ten rupee notes and placed them in the rough hands of the man, and off i went with my little plum.
I hid it deep inside my bag which i held on to all through the ride back home...
That night as my mom got ready for bed, i covered her eyes with my little pink hands and then placed it in her lap
as she looked at it, i saw her smile change to wonder and then... then she was crying.. and i was so scared.. scared that she hadn't like it.. that she was angry i had wasted all my money on it
and then she was hugging me and telling me that i was the best daughter in the whole world and i told her i loved her and she said she knew
she looked at the purse again and said that it was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever given her and that she would always keep it with her..
she has kept her promise..
she still has it at somewhere in the back of her Almira with all the other things i have given her over the ages..
I hope things could always be as simple.. i wish i could still be that little girl who thought of her parents.. who was not afraid of showing her love.. i wish mom would still hug me one of these days and tell me that it would all be ok and that she loved me no matter what..
and i would stand there again in her arms believing every word she said..
i wish i could just hug her and tell her how much i love her and that she would believe me too..
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Today i feel like an ocean..
not the vast benevolent ocean, with its wondrous depths and welcoming arms..
but rather the storming thunderous sea, with my waves up like an armored fortress, shooting my enemies down one by one..
my white churning waters, ruthless and unforgiving, reducing ships of lore to floating rubble..
welcoming sailors from far and wide to their dark muddy graves
making cowering wimps of grown men
taking their dearest treasures and emptying them into my dank vaults
unleashing the fury long locked in my green chest.. throwing out the pain i had long drowned to my depths
murderous i feel.. killing hope.. snuffing out dreams
giving back, all that was thrust on me
the pain the suffering the tears, that i have drunk for so long.. today i want to throw them right out..
do you hear me moan as the winds above whip my surface to a greater frenzy.. do you hear the tortured screams of my victims.. aah victims.. but who is the victim here i ask? do they not deserve what they are getting?
sailing my unblemished kingdom.. daring to tame me.. taking advantage of my innocent hospitality and treating me like their helpless slave.. walking off boasting of having surrendered me... walking off leaving behind their polluting trails on my white white seas
no.. no more shall they boast.. no more shall they befoul me.. no more shall i let them pass on calm quite seas
they shall pay for their impudence with their last struggling breaths
as i toss them high like rags and strangle them till their windpipes burst
treacherous and wild
is the ocean within me
lunatic and riled
is the ocean that is me..
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Today, i was a just a lazy cat.
I lay all day in my warm spot in the sun..
curled up into a comfortable ball..
snoring away to glory in my faded old hat.
yawning and napping.. stretching and mewing
sleepy.. but content..
I didn't even feel like running away from my adopted home.. which was a surprise, considering how bored and neglected i have been feeling lately.
My adopted human family is on vacation you see.. off to some place called Goa. From what i picked up from their conversations, its full of sand. My friend Agusto, who lives in the neighborhood dustbin and knows everything about everything, told me that sands are in some rough dry place called a desert, which is so hot that it gives you bubbling blisters on your skin and your fur just wilts... The very thought of it had me jumping out of my stripes...my adorable little bristles almost fell off with fright..
I wonder why anyone would want to go to a place like that for a vacation... :sigh: ...humans and their strange ideas. I almost ran away again, when i heard one of the human kittens fighting to take me along too. Thank God her parents refused.
Anyway, coming back to today, i had a glorious day , though had a bit of a low moment towards the evening as i missed out on my luscious bowl of evening milk, 'coz that double crossing minx of a maid has been stealing it for herself ever since the owners left.
Grrrhhhh.. i wish i could think of some way of getting her fired.. :x :x :x
But this little loss was more than made up for by the delicious leftover chilli-chicken Agusto stole for me from that big red brick house at the end of the alley.. yumm... i can still feel the tempting aroma and my taste buds are still doing ballet, thanks to that spicy tangy flavour.. it was almost sinful.. :sigh: :sigh:
Thank God for friends, otherwise that mean maid would have starved me to death already.
Anyway, i have shifted my hat under the old ambassador in the shed, which is my usual sleeping place in the winters, and the very thought of my warm tickly inviting bed is turning me drunk drowsy..
so off i go... goodnight..sleep tight.. don't let the bad dogs yipe :D :D :D
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Today i was a grasshopper..
green as a leaf right after the first rain
roaming freely through the high high grass
in and out of its shadows... warmed by the gentle slivers of sun light that filtered through
raiding ant hills and tickling the little busybodies, teasing them with my antennae
jumping high and higher still.. climbing to the very tips of the shady blades
aaaah..basking in the winter sun at last...
the drugging doping sedating sun
so off i hopped to the huge red lily by the side of the wall.. lay on its velvety petals and dozed off in its welcoming embrace
i explored and wondered
dreamt and lived
touched and felt
smelled every scent
tasted the wilderness of my world
aaah today i gave freedom a heady kiss
the wild green hopper that i was today..
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
and welcome to freeville
i have been running for ages
from the past
from the future
from the world
and more than anything else...
but now i am tired.. so here i am in my little bubble in cyberspace...my freeville... where i can be whatever i want to be.. do whatever i want to do and be wherever i want to be..
one place i won't have to run from
i hope this would at last help me fill the void that is me..
to many posts of freedom and wishes..
to living my dreams and burying my nightmares
to letting out the dreamer the desirer the traveler
to my blog!!!